Look, I’m just gonna say it…TIGER WOODS IS INNOCENT YALL! I don’t believe any of the rumors. But for the sake of argument we’ll assume it’s all true.
Ok, so maybe Tiger slipped. Maybe he slipped a lot. But all I’m sayin is, I got Tiger’s back. Because you KNOW, he ‘s got a grudge and he never forgets. I just hope my man used protection. I wonder if he’s R. Kelly style paying off certain chicks to keep quiet. I also wonder if he’s hooked up with chicks and then just had them deported. I will say this though: I called Rachel Uchitel being the hottest one.
Message: Stanford, we need to have this guy’s back. He’s one of ours. If I could personally deliver a message to Tiger I would tell him that we’ve all made mistakes, but ours just aren’t on sportscenter/nobody really cares. Go work things out with your wife, and if you don’t love her, leave her.
But the point of this is to deliver a message to the haters and hoes that have yet to come forward. FUCK YOU! Tiger Woods is a man. He’s the first athlete to make a BILLION dollars. Basically, this muthaf@#@#*&*@ is paid. Now, as college students (that are supported by parents) this may not make sense to everyone. But i’mma give it a shot anyway. Women LOVE MONEY! (i hear women getting upset, “but darius, we don’t love money”) Stop it! Flavor. of. Love………3! I rest my case.
So back to women loving money. Women also love things. And women want (not love, or like to) pay bills. So when they see a billionaire who’s buff as fuck, and famous!, they lose their shit and start firing booty left and right in an attempt to get money to buy things and pay bills. Blame songs like 50’s -have a baby by me baby, be a millionaire. Or blame Lil wayne for well, apparently never using a condom. And hold up,,,,why is tiger woods wife mad? She’s used to be just like them not too long ago. What’s a Swedish nanny doing talking to the world’s best golfer in the first place??? I’ll tell you what. TRICKIN HIS ASS INTO RELEASING HIS SEED, SO SHE COULD HAVE NOT ONE BUT TWO
MEALTICKETS CHILDREN! I’m not mad at you Elin. In fact, mad props, I SEE YOU ELIN!
We think it’s incorrigible that he has had 16ish mistressizzles. But think about how much ass he gets offered on a regular basis. Like PURE Assssssss. Ok. that’s like 16 out 3 billion. That’s pretty damn faithful in my book. Shiyyt. Prolly more than 3 billion.
—BET: if Tiger wanted he could pull a Marty McFly and go all the way back to the future and fuck Marilyn Monroe.
—BET: Tiger didn’t even mean to fuck all those chicks but it just kind of happened through ASS-MOSIS.
—BET: if you asked Tiger if he wanted to fuck a mermaid he’d be like “we off that.” (<--jay-z reference that nobody got) But what's done is done. So all you jealous hoes that have yet to come out need to go away! Unless you've got a
winning lottery ticket tiger baby your time is up. You just end up looking like a silly/jealous ho on tmz. But I haven’t hit haters hard enough. For all the haters that didn’t like tiger before, now is not the time to get your kicks in. You’re just mad that he’s winning all these green jackets and clowning the rory sabbatini’s of the world. You don’t give a fuck about his wife or his family. You’re upset that he’s excellent at the game of golf. That he’s barged into your secret society and cleaned out the trophy case. Nevermind that you should be happy that he’s bringing eyes to the sport and sponsors to the events. You can’t stand that he would have the audacity to be eating a big piece of the pie. When yes, Tiger is getting a big piece of the pie, but the pie is now much larger than it’s ever been because of Tiger. So haters can suck a pickle. You’re just mad that you can’t close a tiger woods side chick.
And that my friends, is why I love Tiger.
p.s. I don’t tell jokes. Everything I’ve said was serious and meant to offend. Please make angry comments below. I’ll start. F%#^ you Darius!