Un Op-Ed

Posted by at 5:09AM

The opinions, or lack thereof, expressed in this article are not the opinions expressed by The Unofficial Stanford Blog or its writers.

I’m one of the newest writers to walk out of the marble-pillared, gold plated Parthenon that is the TUSB headquarters.

The newest addition to the Arrillaga collection.

As the new guy, there are few luxuries afforded to me, the best of which is not having to publicly pledge my allegiance to Josh more than twice per meeting, and the least of which is an opinion. But that’s still provisionary. Because this is it: my foray into the Stanford blogosphere. I only get one chance to make a good first impression. If I screw it up with something as useless as an opinion, then I should just kiss the good life goodbye.

The word “opinion” comes from the Na’vi “opium,” which loosely translates to “something that should never ever be on your tongue.” Closely related to an opinion is knowledge, defined by Merriam-Webster and Urban Dictionary to be

  • The fact or condition of knowing something with familiarity gained through experience or association.
  • Getting head.

I fear for humanity. But I digress.

Why stand up for anything? The people who stand for things are the ones who are more likely to get their chair pulled out from under them. They would’ve noticed if they weren’t so busy standing for things.

And what is this desire to say something? Why must our words have to convey meaning? Couch fizzle endoderm toilet. That’s quality writing right there. No interpretation needed, just as it should be.

Before you take to the comment boards and start whining about the “value of an opinion” and why it’s important to “take stances” on things or whatever, consider these facts:

Opinions are the number one cause of childhood obesity and high blood pressure in adults.

These guys are uncon-troll-able.

Animals don’t have opinions. And have you ever seen a hedgehog troll an Internet board? No. Why? They’re fucking complacent, that’s why.

Every war in history has been started by an opinion.

Hannibal: “You know what Gaul needs? More elephants.”

Julius Caesar: “I’m pretty sure I could get to the other side of the Rubicon pretty easily.”

Voldemort: “Muggles suck.”

Boom.

So play it safe. Be opinionless. Let your voice be drowned out by the drone of the hoi polloi. Apathy is the best policy. DGAF. Be the sameyness you wish to see in the world.

And to all of you diligent Stanford students who have so astutely pointed out that not having an opinion is still having an opinion, and therefore, in doing so, have merely reaffirmed the value of having an opinion, I have only one thing to say to you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tg4u7ko333U.

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