Since it’s Dead Week, the last thing in the world that you are probably thinking about is velociraptors.
How foolish. Studying dutifully in Green, sleep-deprived and bleary-eyed, pencil in hand, earbuds in ears – you, my friend, are the perfect prey for a velociraptor.
If I’ve learned anything from xkcd, it’s that the velociraptor threat simply cannot be ignored. Have no fear: this is where I come in. Because you’re busy studying and I’m busy procrastinating, I present to you the top ten safest places on Stanford campus from velociraptors. I base my evaluations loosely on the infamous Velociraptor Safety Problem from CS106B. The tools are now in your hands: it’s up to you to survive.
10. Crothers Hall bathroom stalls. After the bathroom prowler incidents, these babies were reinforced to World War II bunker grade security.
8. The South Stacks. There are probably other creepy things in the South Stacks that will get to the velociraptors before they get to you….
6. Stanford in Florence! Oh wait, that’s cheating….
5. Far away from Theta Delt. As was made clear by the Theta Deltasaurus Rex party last year, this is the preferred frat of primordial beasts.
4. The PRL. The perfect place to build yourself whatever raptor-bashing weapons you might need. Worst case scenario: fend them off with a blowtorch.
3. Hoover Tower. The observation platform is 250 feet off the ground. The elevator is key-locked. You win.
2. Hanna House. Designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, the owners try to keep its location on the DL. The tour guide manual doesn’t say where it is. Dude, if the tour guides don’t know where it is, the raptors definitely can’t find it.
1. Wherever CS106B head TA Chris Piech is hiding. I’m sure he’s perfected the algorithm by now.