They’re flipping good at everything. Seriously, where’s an underachieving kid supposed to find some mediocrity? Yeah, sure, their engineering is world famous, but they’ve gotta have some underdog humanities programs or something, right? Wrong again. Stanford has the #1 psychology program, and the #1 history and the #2 English graduate programs in the nation. Friggin’ overachievers.
- They win so often it’s boring. 17 Directors’ Cups? Yawn. Couldn’t they, like, lose occasionally to spice things up? And don’t even get me started on Stanford Men’s Swimming. 30 consecutive Pac-10 titles? Why even bother going to meets?!
- Small classes mean you might have to get to know your professors. Ew. You mean, they might want to be my friends, engage in meaningful discussions, and even take me out to lunch? Gross. Where’s the hand sanitizer?
The weather is too nice. How’s a kid supposed to concentrate with sunny weather and 65 degree temperatures in January? What am I to do with my seasonally-inappropriate collection of pastel-colored ascots? Besides, everyone knows that character can only be built by walking to class in the snow, uphill, both ways. Like my forefathers, I want to suffer for my education, dammit!
- Stanford students are too happy. Seriously. Aren’t you supposed to hate college? But no, those meddling kids at Stanford insist on enjoying themselves! All! The time! Is there something in the water? We thought it’d be game over when we took away their lake But noooo, they have to frolic in their fountains. So we dyed them red. And they frolicked in the stadium. So we engineered a torrential downpour. And they frolicked to victory over Cal in the Big Game. Turns out you can even take happiness for credit at Stanford! Bah humbug!
- Stanford is severely lacking in socially entrenched organizations of privilege. No East Coast style eating clubs?! Not even a… pretentious secret society or two? Anyone can eat in any dining hall on campus. Wherever shall I have afternoon tea with the Rockefellers and Vanderbilts?
There are too many job opportunities for Stanford graduates. How am I supposed to build my street cred as a starving artist if every flipping month there are career fairs on campus? If I get half a dozen recruitment emails every day? Darnit, even Stanford dropouts manage to eke out a living.
- We dole out $4 million in funding for undergraduate research and over $120 million for financial aid every year. Assuming freshmen use approximately one-fourth of said funds, if the Class of 2016 chooses not to matriculate, that means $31 million is ours for the best water park of all time!!
* because I couldn’t even make up ten fake reasons not to go to Stanford. So much for playing devil’s advocate. See my non-satirical post here.