Top Eight* Reasons NOT to Go to Stanford

Posted by at 5:05PM
  • Gotta catch 'em all!!

    They’re flipping good at everything.  Seriously, where’s an underachieving kid supposed to find some mediocrity?  Yeah, sure, their engineering is world famous, but they’ve gotta have some underdog humanities programs or something, right?  Wrong again.  Stanford has the #1 psychology program, and the #1 history and the #2 English graduate programs in the nation.  Friggin’ overachievers.

  • They win so often it’s boring.  17 Directors’ Cups?  Yawn.  Couldn’t they, like, lose occasionally to spice things up?  And don’t even get me started on Stanford Men’s Swimming.  30 consecutive Pac-10 titles?  Why even bother going to meets?!
  • Small classes mean you might have to get to know your professors.  Ew.  You mean, they might want to be my friends, engage in meaningful discussions, and even take me out to lunch?  Gross.  Where’s the hand sanitizer?
  • Is that... sunshine I see?

    The weather is too nice.  How’s a kid supposed to concentrate with sunny weather and 65 degree temperatures in January?  What am I to do with my seasonally-inappropriate collection of pastel-colored ascots?  Besides, everyone knows that character can only be built by walking to class in the snow, uphill, both ways.  Like my forefathers, I want to suffer for my education, dammit!

  • Stanford students are too happy.  Seriously.  Aren’t you supposed to hate college?  But no, those meddling kids at Stanford insist on enjoying themselves!  All!  The time!  Is there something in the water?  We thought it’d be game over when we took away their lake  But noooo, they have to frolic in their fountains.  So we dyed them red.  And they frolicked in the stadium.  So we engineered a torrential downpour.  And they frolicked to victory over Cal in the Big Game.  Turns out you can even take happiness for credit at Stanford!  Bah humbug!
  • Stanford is severely lacking in socially entrenched organizations of privilege.  No East Coast style eating clubs?!  Not even a… pretentious secret society or two?  Anyone can eat in any dining hall on campus.  Wherever shall I have afternoon tea with the Rockefellers and Vanderbilts?
  • Because with two gyms and an aquatic center, that's really all we're missing.

    There are too many job opportunities for Stanford graduates.  How am I supposed to build my street cred as a starving artist if every flipping month there are career fairs on campus?  If I get half a dozen recruitment emails every day?  Darnit, even Stanford dropouts manage to eke out a living.

  • We dole out $4 million in funding for undergraduate research and over $120 million for financial aid every year.  Assuming freshmen use approximately one-fourth of said funds, if the Class of 2016 chooses not to matriculate, that means $31 million is ours for the best water park of all time!!

* because I couldn’t even make up ten fake reasons not to go to Stanford.  So much for playing devil’s advocate.  See my non-satirical post here.


7 Responses to “Top Eight* Reasons NOT to Go to Stanford”

  1. jess says:

    i don’t know… this is kind of patting ourselves on a back, guys. hubris.

    -class of 13

  2. Kristi says:

    Like “That’s Why I Chose Yale” or any other self-consciously blatant piece of college propaganda, this was intended as a humor piece not to be taken entirely seriously. Frankly, I’m just in it for the water park. 😉 Cheers and Merry Christmas!

  3. Jean says:

    The real reason not to go to Stanford: students there gloat. This article is terrifically embarrassing.

  4. Natalya says:

    All the more reason to go to Stanford. :) C’est magnifique, no?

  5. John says:

    Wow. This is really lame and humiliating…

  6. Most of the above comments says:

    were written by people who attend another school, like Cal or Harvard, or who were rejected from Stanford.

  7. Delores says:

    Um.. I don’t know about yall but all those things seem pretty good with me and it seems like this person is just trying to downgrade them. What the hell is bad with being happy and having good weather?? That’s a good thing. And the fact that you have a lot of job offers.. would you rather have none?


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