Posts Tagged ‘Love’

FMOTQ 101: Pick-Up Puns

Tuesday, October 22nd, 2013

“The time has come, the Sophomore Class Cabinet said, to talk of many things.

Of PSETs and football and dormcest, of awkward hook-ups and flings.”

The Master (get it?!) of infidelity himself.

Welcome to October 22, 2013.  A day (or rather, night) that shall live on in infamy.  Known to some as Full Moon on the Quad and known to others as a “Moonlight Makeout” (…if it’s on SparkNotes, it must be legit?), FMOTQ is a Stanford tradition that has freshmen and seniors alike worrying about their dental hygiene.

So grab your mouth wash and your sparkliest spandex (for girls and guys alike), because it’s time to enjoy some food truck grub, watch student groups (Mendicants / Alliance / DV8) strut their stuff, swarm with the truly incomparable LSJUMB, and get down with DJ Lumo.

And, of course, kiss that special someone.  Or maybe multiple someones.

To help you find that sketchy grad student, innocent freshman, or subsequent box on your bingo chart, here are some Nerd Nation-appropriate puns to keep you in the game:

  • On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?
  • I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.
  • If I were an enzyme, I’d be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
  • I don’t have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?
  • It doesn’t take a genius to see how attractive you are, but if it did, I would be overqualified.
  • Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call FINE print.
  • I wish I were adenine because then I would be paired with U.
  • You know, it’s not the length of the vector that counts… it’s how you apply the force.
  • What’s your sine?  It must be pi/2 because you’re the 1.

…and perhaps the most appropriate for our CS 106A, Silicon Valley-loving undergrads:

Hi, I’m writing a new make-out program.  Would you like to join the beta test?

Be sure to stay sober and keep it classy, though.  Nobody wants to see you come into your dorm like a wrecking ball.

Happy smooching,

TUSB

 

https://www.facebook.com/events/624251387598200/

PS – For more nerdy pick-up lines, click the hyperlinks.

Alum Appearances in McSweeney’s

Wednesday, February 6th, 2013

While our rain dances have yet to lure former blogger-in-chief Josh back from the real world, we occasionally see gems of his writing in the likes of humor website McSweeney’s and CNN.

Whether you’re overwhelmed with bloggy nostalgia, seeking amusing procrastination mechanisms, or quantitatively contemplating the meaning of Valentine’s Day, you can check out his recent articles below:

A Stanford Love Story: Suds, Circuits, and Romance

Sunday, October 28th, 2012

Nerd love is the best love.

David Packard arrived at Stanford in 1930 as the Great Depression hit.  He was also, coincidentally, the Stanford dream incarnate.  When he wasn’t busy majoring in electrical engineering, he was playing football, basketball, or track for Stanford.  David had considered a career in basketball before deciding upon more academic pursuits.  In fact, David Packard and Bill Hewlett met because they both tried out for football during the fall of their freshman year!

I think you learn a lot of things in athletics and they’re very important in your later career….  You understand the importance of competition and fair play and you develop a sense of the importance of teamwork.”  – David Packard

The Wonder Woman of the early HP years.

To help pay for his education during tough times, “Dave” worked as a hasher and dishwasher in the Delta Gamma sorority.  He was washing dishes in the kitchen during a sorority party one night in the fall of 1933 when he was introduced to the vivacious young Lucile Salter, a sophomore in the sorority.  The two were married in 1938, the same year Hewlett-Packard was founded.  Lucile’s former chapter of Delta Gamma holds a number of co-sponsored philanthropic events with the Lucile Salter Packard Children’s Hospital to this day.

Lucile was crucial to the growth of Hewlett-Packard.  She was the sole breadwinner in 1938-1939, and her paycheck allowed Dave and Bill to focus on bringing new products to market.  According to the Hewlett-Packard history archives, she served as “laundress, housekeeper, bread winner, secretary, bookkeeper, company hostess, and steadfast supporter.”  She even baked metal panels for early HP prototypes in her kitchen oven (source).  What a woman!

 

Stereo Love: V-Day Playlists for the Lovers and the Loveless

Sunday, February 12th, 2012

I haven’t put a whole lot of thought into what persona I’ll be adopting for Valentine’s Day/Single’s Awareness Day (SAD) this year. I’ve done the couple thing. I’ve done the hating-on-anything-to-do-with-love-while-secretly-sending-myself-chocolate thing. At this point, I’m leaning towards ambivalence. As such, when I got inspired to do a playlist post by Kristi’s awesome article about failtastic lovesongs, I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to go the “mushy” route or the “sardonically commenting on the absurdity of the holiday” route. So I went with both. One will make your significant other look deep into your eyes with misty longing or laugh whilst tenderly spooning. The other will make you want to a) key your ex’s car b) sit in bed with the  company of several pounds’ worth of Ghirardelli wrappers c) think to yourself “Heck YES I’m single and ready to mingle” or d) laugh uproariously at the concept of romantic love. Whatever you choose to jam out to this Tuesday, just remember that no one will love you until you learn to love yourself, you get 12 free condoms a quarter from Vaden, and that chocolate can stimulate all the serotonin you will ever need. Keep it classy, Stanford. (more…)

Filter Function: in Defense of “Sketchy” Grad Students

Saturday, July 30th, 2011

GSB admit weekend T-shirts? Too soon?

It’s summertime at Stanford, which means there are more people getting married at MemChu than you can shake a stick at.  The Quad’s colonnades and courtyards are positively bursting with bridesmaids in various pastel shades, and each procession of limos can hardly clear Palm Drive in time for the next nuptial motorcade.

Yes, Stanford students get married.  But most intrinsically to my point, Stanford students often get married to each other.  Not to beat the dead horse of the Contemplation or Action IHUM, but “ay, there’s the rub.”

You see, the Stanford Alumni Association is more than happy to point out to incoming students, current students, even prospective students (who promptly look around their Discover Stanford tour group in a mixture of excitement, apprehension, and horror), that about a fifth of Stanford students end up marrying other Stanford students.  Most of these folks meet their future mates by the end of sophomore year.  So juniors, you’re stuck.  Hope you like the pickings, ’cause that’s it.

Just kidding!  In all seriousness, though, it’s an interesting topic of discussion, one which is usually met with “oh-nos,” “oh-weirds,” or chortles and quick changes of topic.  Why the cold shoulder to intra-Stanford spousing?

So maybe I’ve been watching too much How I Met Your Mother, but the real world of dating outside college looks like it sucks.  From show to show and girl to girl, you suffer with hapless Ted who, despite being an attractive and successful architect, simply cannot seem to land a winner.  Accuse him, if you wish, of “searching for love in all the wrong places,” but quite frankly, what is the right place?  In college we’re blessed with a preponderance of extracurricular activities in which we can meet and enjoy the company of those who share our passions and interests.  When you’ve got a nine to five job, it’s a lot harder to pick up activities just for kicks and funzies.

So what’s the real-world alternative?  Bars.  Where the Barney Stinsons of the world trawl the seas of the single.  In a bar the first impression is appearance.  Boom: hot, not, or eh-why-not.  You’re instantly judged as a piece of meat, and the Barneys don’t care if you love sustainability or saving the pandas – they care if you look, shall we say, appetizing.

This, my friends, is why college serves as an excellent built-in filter function.  So yeah, there are a few folks that seem to have slipped through the cracks of our stringent admissions process, but you just as well as I can look up the stats online.  Even if you get someone in the bottom fifty of the SAT score rankings, you’re still doing just fine, and it’s quite possible Mr. or Miss Perfect is busy curing cancer, building the next generation of electric vehicles, or composing a symphony in  his or her spare time.  Everyone here possesses “intellectual vitality” in some way, shape, or form, and everyone has the shared experiences (or sufferings, depending on your take) of IHUM, PWR, and Stern Dining.  And if money is any object… well, let’s just say that with a Stanford grad you’ll probably be doing just fine.

So I kind of resent it when my friends and acquaintances mock “sketchy grad students looking for wives.”  Well, can you blame them?  This is their last shot at the Stanford filter function, and the approaches of the outside world leave much to be desired.  I think there’s a reason college sweethearts Marshall and Lily are the happiest characters on How I Met Your Mother.  And their love is legen – wait for it! – DARY.

Failtastic Love Songs

Thursday, February 10th, 2011

"A boombox is not a toy." TheLonelyIsland

Oh yes, it’s that time of year again.  CVS has become a glycemic nightmare, the LikeALittle posts are increasing in frequency and desperacy, and you can’t take a walk around campus at night without stumbling upon canoodling couples.  Awkward.

Bust out the Disney pop-out valentines and the predictable romantic comedies, ’cause it’s almost Valentine’s Day.

This post serves primarily as a warning to any intrepid young men hoping to pull a John Cusack boombox scene like in Say Anything: some love songs are stupid.  Yeah, sure, well-intentioned, maybe.  But stupid.  Follow along as I assess some of Western culture’s favorite love songs… and why they’re so dysfunctional.

Your Song – Elton John

His gift is his song and this one’s for you.  “How wonderful life is while you’re in the world.”  Awww.  Until he gets to the part where he, um, forgets the color of his sweetheart’s eyes.  Boys: you should know this.  If you don’t, Facebook-stalk your girlfriends, quick!  Girls: if he can’t remember the color of your eyes and doesn’t have amnesia, he’s not exactly committed.  Run away, run away!

Yikes.

Don’t Fear the Reaper – Blue Öyster Cult

This song attempts to romanticize death.  More specifically, an allusion to the death of Romeo and Juliet.  In case you weren’t paying attention in eighth grade English class, Romeo dies by poison and Juliet stabs herself with a dagger.  Um, creepy much?

Every Breath You Take – The Police

In what is also known as the stalker song, Sting insists that no matter what you’re doing, he will be watching you.   He dreams and “can only see your face.”  Yes, it’s a catchy song, but the level of obsessive adoration and devotion approaches that of a psychological disorder.

You May Be Right – Billy Joel

“Friday night I crashed your party / Saturday I said I’m sorry / Sunday came and trashed it out again.”  So he trashes your parties.  Routinely.  “I may be crazy / but it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for.”  Remember Jack Nicholson in The Shining?  Ladies, I can assure you that you’re not looking for a lunatic.

Bad hair day, Bowie?

Rebel, Rebel – David Bowie

Even the driving guitar riffs and British accent aren’t enough to make up for the fact that he calls you a “hot tramp” and “tacky thing,” admits a degree of confusion about your gender (“not sure if you’re a boy or a girl”), and he’s encouraging your use of sedative-hypnotic drugs….  At least the catchy song puts some fun in the dysfunctional?

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You’re Doing It Wrong: Dating and the Fairy Tale Phenomenon at Stanford

Friday, February 4th, 2011

Constant weddings on campus = no pressure, right?

At Stanford, as at many elite universities, there tends to be a predominant view that dating here is somehow flawed.  We’re working too hard, we claim, we don’t have time to develop meaningful relationships.  There’s no middle ground, others complain, where’s the route between frat party flings and near-obsessive-already-planning-the-wedding-in-Mem-Chu couplings?

And sure, there are more people who want to be in relationships than actually are.  Depending on your metrics, that might be sufficient data to prove the there’s-no-dating-at-Stanford hypothesis.

But I don’t think that dating at Stanford is fundamentally flawed.  I think that many of us are just going  about it the wrong way.

Like… only a little?

Artificial dating constructs don't work... but those purple boots sure do! I think I need a pair.

We Stanford students like for things to be effortless.  High school valedictorians, sports stars, musical prodigies – you name it, we’re used to things coming easily.  We focus on our academics and extracurricular activities and often assume that the rest will fall into place without any additional work on our part.

Cue LikeaLittle.com, the very definition of half-hearted, lazy pursuit of meaningful relationships.  Oh, sure, it’s much easier to confess that crush under the guise of anonymity of the Internet.  But that post took you, what, 30 seconds to write?  With relationships, as with any other meaningful pursuits, you receive according to the effort you put into something.  So if your admiration for someone is really only worth a 30-second post, go for it.  And watch absolutely nothing happen.  Don’t accuse flirting of failing you – pin the blame on the sad excuse for a flirt medium in which you engaged.

In real life, there are no fairy godmothers to make your wishes come true.  If you want something to work out, TALK to the object of your affections.  Yeah, it’s difficult and potentially awkward, but we’re all too busy to assess the intricacies of chance meetings.  If you’re actually interested in someone, you really “need to be bold, need to jump in the cold water” and put yourself out there.  If you don’t put forth at least that much effort and interest, why should they?  And for the hesitant out there: honestly, what’s the worst that could happen?  The math is in your favor.  If it doesn’t work out with crush #1 or #2, there are over 15,000 other Stanford students to choose from.  There are plenty of fish in the sea.

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Dare to Date: A (Questionably) Empirical Analysis

Monday, January 31st, 2011

It’s the most cliché of topics, but recent events in my life have made me inclined to ponder this subject a little further. We’ve all heard the complaints.  The rants about how everyone on this campus is either just sexing each other up on the side or is in a committed relationship that verges on a civil union.  And maybe that is true.  If I were Us Weekly, I’d be making up some statistic right about now about the percentage of students who agree with that description of Stanford’s dating scene (83% sounds nice and convincing).  But I’m not here to debate whether or not dating exists on Stanford’s campus.  I’m here to question if we should really want it to.

My very own singles bar.

I used to be the queen of that thing we fondly refer to as “dormcest,” a magical start to a relationship that involves never having to go on an actual date – or even leave the dorm.  My first two romantic encounters of any significance both lived in my freshman dorm.  It gave the whole thing a sort of Russian Roulette feel – wondering if I would run into him on the way to the bathroom first thing in the morning, with last night’s eyeliner still smudged on my face, giving me that lovely “cracked out” look.  Daydreams of laundry room hook-ups and hand-holding under the table at Stern dining filled my brain.  It was exciting.  It was exhausting.  But it certainly made sense – I got to know the person before getting involved romantically with him, simply because I saw him on a regular basis.  Call it preliminary research, if you will (you can also call it skanking it up based on convenience, but I’d prefer you didn’t).

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The Best Burger on Campus

Wednesday, April 28th, 2010

Cheeseburger in Paradise

Stern Dining is not known for its delectable, alimentary fare. However, every Wednesday at lunch, a magical transformation takes place. If you are prepared to brave long lines and silverware shortages, you, the diner, will encounter the best burger on campus.

Burger builders will doubtless have their differences, but the following selections tend to accrue widespread approval. For the hungry and ambitious (see picture), I would suggest two grass-fed beef burgers, two slices of cheddar cheese, two slices of crisp bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, guacamole, ketchup, and Cholula hot sauce. For the less hungry but still ambitious, use one burger. For the less hungry and ambitious, eliminate the hot sauce, onions, and mushrooms. Swiss cheese, when available, is also highly recommended.