A predominantly factual, occasionally satiric reflection on the crazy year that was 2011.
- After a record 11-1 season, Stanford Football continues to dominate in its 40-12 romp over Virginia Tech. The almost banned Band celebrates with a party on the beach as hundreds of students ditch the first day of Winter Quarter.
- Beloved quarterback Andrew Luck proceeds to solidify his Stanford hero status by deciding to forgo the NFL draft and finish his Stanford career. Arrillaga scraps plans for the fifth on-campus gym to construct an edifice in Luck’s honor.
- Confusion, fear, and panic, but mostly confusion grips the campus as Stanford Police fervently warns the entire student population of a Hot Prowl via mass text alert system. As is the case with most current events on campus, “Hot Prowl” quickly becomes a popular party theme.
- To add to campus confusion, mid-January brings mid-60’s and sunshine.
- Based on the popularity of hit single “Friday,” the Office of the Registrar introduces Phil 240: Front Seat / Back Seat: Existential Determinism in the Age of Rebecca Black
- Valentine’s Day week heralds the annual V-week and the sale of chocolate va-jay-jays. Despite promoters’ claims to the contrary, the student population remains convinced that “V” stands for very-awkward.
- Rogue reporters “out” Stanford athletes through sensational reporting in a Stanford Daily article on “The List.” Student-athletes respond: “dude, you could’ve just picked up a copy if you ever went to the gym.” Professors respond: “don’t misquote me, bro.”
- Kappa Sig loses its housing, and fratstars adopt a hunter-gatherer lifestyle, scavenging social entrepreneurship mixers and RA candy bowls for subsistence.
- Bill Nye the Science Guy graces the halls of Stanford, generating more fanfare than Bill Gates and the Cataracs (though I admit that’d be an awesome name for a band) put together. Ms. Frizzle plans a visit for 2012.
- Stanford men’s swimming wins its 30th consecutive Pac-10 championship. In other news, Stanford Hospital completes its first successful gill-removal surgery.
- Embracing Stanford’s hippie tradition, Stanford students choose to tie-dye their entire BODIES!! Just kidding, that’s paint from the Asha Holi Festival on Sand Hill Fields.
- Fear once again grips the campus as students find themselves on constant lookout for Indian men smelling like apples.
- The great mailing list fail of 2011 (see also: “unsubscribe-list-this“) proves that, given an audience of thousands, Stanford students choose to post dozens of videos of silly cats and zero profanities. My faith in humanity is restored.
- Perez Hilton visits campus. Hilton’s tweets on the visit: 37. Stanford students in attendance: 8.
- ASSU elections come and go. The Wellness Room is still doing well.
- ‘The annual 680 Lomita Exotic party committee runs out of words that rhyme with “exotic” and opts for more direct marketing. “Sweaty, Partially Naked People” is a great success. Or at least people think it was. Most don’t remember.
- The International Hide and Seek champion is finally apprehended in Pakistan. Osama bin Laden’s death is heralded with fountain hopping and “America, F*** Yeah” blaring from freshman dorms.
- Third Eye Blind hosts a free concert. Excited to reclaim their youth, Stanford students show up in droves with Beanie Babies and Giga Pets. (more…)